Lame Jokes (copy pasted)

Joke 1:

A boy with a weird accent takes an english class. The teacher asks him to use the words green, pink , and yellow in a sentence. The boy says " the phone goes GREEN GREEN,so i pink up the phone and say, 'yellow?' "

Joke 2 :

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Joke 3:

Malaysia has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Joke 4:

A man walks into a bar.
He orders thirteen beers.
Bartender: "Is this a special occasion?"
Man: "Yeah, first blowjob."
Bartender: "Okay, I'll give you one on the house."

Man: "No. If thirteen won't get rid of the taste . . . nothing will."

Joke 5:

What do you call a blonde with a carrot in both ears?
Anything you feel like, it's not like she could hear you.

Joke 6:

There were 3 men, the first man thinks he has the smallest head, the second man thinks he has the smallest arm, and the third man thinks he has the smallest penis. So the 3 men go to Guinness World Records, the first man comes out happy because he does have the smallest head, the second man comes out happy because he does have the smallest arm, the third man comes out yelling "Who the f*ck is Justin Bieber?!"

Joke 7:

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

Joke 8:

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Joke 9:

There was a couple in their 60's sitting in a quaint little diner celebrating their 40 year anniversary.
They were in the middle of professing their undying love and affection towards each other, when a fairy popped up.
The fairy said, "For being such an exemplary couple, I shall grant you each one wish".
The wife went first. "I wish for a trip around the world with my wonderful husband!". POOF! The wish was granted.
Next was the husband. "I'm sorry to have to do this to you, dear, but I am wishing for a wife 30 years younger."
POOF! The fairy made the man 92-years-old.

Joke 10:

What is the difference between Roast beef and Pea Soup?
Everyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup!

Joke 11:

What do you call 2 Nuts on a wall???....Walnuts
What do you call 2 Nuts on a chest???....Chestnuts
What do you call 2 Nuts on a chin???....Blow Job

Joke 12:

They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends.
My Calendar ends this December, should I be worried?

Joke 13:

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Joke 14:

I was nervous at first, it was big & long & went straight up, I had to try it. I eased myself onto it & I liked it! I went up & down on it, I luv escalators now

Joke 15:

‎"Mummy, why am I called Petal?"
"Because you were born, a petal landed on your head."
The second child then says "So why am I called Rose?"
And Mum replies, "Well, for the same reason really. A rose l
(more)
"Because you were born, a petal landed on your head."
The second child then says "So why am I called Rose?"
And Mum replies, "Well, for the same reason really. A rose landed on your head when you were born."
The third child comes in and says, "Bluuuurg, Bluuuuugh flurrrrrr"
"Shut up, Fridge."

Joke 16:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play
music.
The I-Tit will cost from $499 to $699,...depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Man in A Hurry (source : email)

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have

stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.. This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

But how to dance in the rain.'

We are all getting Older

Tomorrow may be our turn.

Enjoy life now-it has an expiration date!

Jeez

If you ask me for a feedback , can YOU actually accept the criticism? The truth?

Will YOU be able to handle it?

No? If you cant, then don't pretend or bother to ask me. Its annoying.

Furnie

Heard this from the radio this morning on Fly FM.

Nadia : Our colleague accidentally found his Christmas gift his wife bought for him. Its a handphone that he always wanted. He feels bad cos the gift he bought, is cheap.

Dilemma 1 : Should he buy another gift which is more expensive (about the same price as the hp)?

Dilemma 2 : Should he just give the current gift to his wife?

FatFabes: I would get her the same handphone. Then tell my wife, "Honey, we're soulmates. Look at that, we bought the same gifts for each other. "

HAHAHAHA!

Its the longest week EVER ever!!

Bad start

of the week.

My facial cleanser fell into the toilet bowl. Eeewww.

Dee threw the big fat leech he found in the garden near the drain where my car was parked =.=

My right shoe is tearing. PERFECT! Lets hope my bag doesnt start to tear also.

My office computer couldnt start properly in the morning. Then it was moving 'so' fast than I could ever imagine.

I had 2 paper cuts. Can my week get any worse than this?

And I'm missing lappy already.

No expectation

Sometimes you wander,

Sometimes you ponder,

But its too tiring to think about it ,

So you let things be.

I couldn't care less as long as it doesn't effect me.

People are dangerous. People are unpredictable. People are hypocrites.

Once experience is all you need to realise it.

Then a wall is built.

You can try bringing it down but don't expect anything from me.

Story of Appreciation

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the first interview, the Director did the last interview, made the last decision.

The Director discovered from the CV, that the youth's academic result is excellent all the way, from secondary school until postgraduate research, never has a year he did not score.

The Director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "none".

The Director asked, " Was it your father who paid for your school fees?" the youth answered, my father passed away when I was one year old, it is my mother who paid for my school fees.

The Director asked, " Where did your mother work?" the youth answered, my mother worked as clothes cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hand, the youth showed a pair of hand that is smooth and perfect to the director.

The Director asked, " Did you ever help your mother wash the clothes before?" The youth answered, never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.

The director said, I had a request, when you go back today, go and help to clean your mother's hand, and then see me tomorrow morning.

The youth felt that his chance of landing the job is high, when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother's hand, his mother felt strange, happy but mixed with fear, she showed her hand to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother's hand slowly, his tear dropped down as he did that. It was the first time he found his mother's hand so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hand. Some bruises incited pain so strong that shivered her mother's body when cleaned with water.

This was the first time the youth realized and experienced that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to earn him the school fees, the bruises in the mother's hand is the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future.

After finishing cleaning his mother's hands, the youth quietly cleaned all remaining clothes for his mother.

That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the Director's office

The Director noticed the tear in the youth's eye, asked: " Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"

The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes'

The director asked, " please tell me your feelings"

The youth said, Number 1, I now know what is appreciation, without my mother, there would not be the successful me today. Number 2, I now know how to work together with my mother, then only I can realize how difficult and tough to get something done. Number 3, I now know the importance and value of family relationship.

The director said, " This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of other, a person that knew the suffering of others to get thing done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired.

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employees worked diligently and in a team, the company's result improved tremendously.

A child who has been protected and habitually given whatever he did, he developed "entitlement mentality" and always put himself first. He is ignorance of his parent's effort. When he started work, he assumed every people must listen to him, and when he became a manager, he would never know how suffering his employee and always blame others. For this kind of people, he can have good result, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement, he will grumble and full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parent, did we love the kid or destroy the kid?

You can let your kid lived in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experienced it. After a meal, let them washed their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parent are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your kid learn how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learn the ability to work with others to get thing done.