Lame Jokes (copy pasted)

Joke 1:

A boy with a weird accent takes an english class. The teacher asks him to use the words green, pink , and yellow in a sentence. The boy says " the phone goes GREEN GREEN,so i pink up the phone and say, 'yellow?' "

Joke 2 :

A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Joke 3:

Malaysia has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Joke 4:

A man walks into a bar.
He orders thirteen beers.
Bartender: "Is this a special occasion?"
Man: "Yeah, first blowjob."
Bartender: "Okay, I'll give you one on the house."

Man: "No. If thirteen won't get rid of the taste . . . nothing will."

Joke 5:

What do you call a blonde with a carrot in both ears?
Anything you feel like, it's not like she could hear you.

Joke 6:

There were 3 men, the first man thinks he has the smallest head, the second man thinks he has the smallest arm, and the third man thinks he has the smallest penis. So the 3 men go to Guinness World Records, the first man comes out happy because he does have the smallest head, the second man comes out happy because he does have the smallest arm, the third man comes out yelling "Who the f*ck is Justin Bieber?!"

Joke 7:

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."

Joke 8:

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Joke 9:

There was a couple in their 60's sitting in a quaint little diner celebrating their 40 year anniversary.
They were in the middle of professing their undying love and affection towards each other, when a fairy popped up.
The fairy said, "For being such an exemplary couple, I shall grant you each one wish".
The wife went first. "I wish for a trip around the world with my wonderful husband!". POOF! The wish was granted.
Next was the husband. "I'm sorry to have to do this to you, dear, but I am wishing for a wife 30 years younger."
POOF! The fairy made the man 92-years-old.

Joke 10:

What is the difference between Roast beef and Pea Soup?
Everyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup!

Joke 11:

What do you call 2 Nuts on a wall???....Walnuts
What do you call 2 Nuts on a chest???....Chestnuts
What do you call 2 Nuts on a chin???....Blow Job

Joke 12:

They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends.
My Calendar ends this December, should I be worried?

Joke 13:

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

Joke 14:

I was nervous at first, it was big & long & went straight up, I had to try it. I eased myself onto it & I liked it! I went up & down on it, I luv escalators now

Joke 15:

‎"Mummy, why am I called Petal?"
"Because you were born, a petal landed on your head."
The second child then says "So why am I called Rose?"
And Mum replies, "Well, for the same reason really. A rose l
(more)
"Because you were born, a petal landed on your head."
The second child then says "So why am I called Rose?"
And Mum replies, "Well, for the same reason really. A rose landed on your head when you were born."
The third child comes in and says, "Bluuuurg, Bluuuuugh flurrrrrr"
"Shut up, Fridge."

Joke 16:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play
music.
The I-Tit will cost from $499 to $699,...depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.