What a Bummer

I think 2011 is against me somehow.

Why you say? I was at the ATM machine trying to clear my debts before the year ends A.N.D. the machine hanged!!! Cant my night end nicely? Ok, complaint finished :P

Spending the last night of 2011 at home alone. Its been some time since I do this. Chillaxing at home. Doing absolutely nothing.

I am no longer a fan of crowds. Not excited about fireworks so much. Well I still am about fireworks but not when I am surrounded by so many people & being stuck in the traffic after.

Gonna watch the movie Sepet now. See you next year! Unless I have some more stuff to share. Ok bye.

PS: I was poking the ATM screen out of frustration; and cursing, just alil. Created some unnecessary attention but I think they thought it was entertaining.

Oh by the way, the picture is my Google background currently. Copyright of Juan Manuel.

No expectation

Sometimes you wander,

Sometimes you ponder,

But its too tiring to think about it ,

So you let things be.

I couldn't care less as long as it doesn't effect me.

People are dangerous. People are unpredictable. People are hypocrites.

Once experience is all you need to realise it.

Then a wall is built.

You can try bringing it down but don't expect anything from me.

A confession ~

Maybe it's just me. But I dont want to spend my weekends with my colleagues.

Why? Chances that we'll talk about work is high although we would set the expectation NO WORK / NO COLLEAGUE GOSSIP topic.

Second reason? I seen them from Monday - Friday already. Enough la, I want to see different faces. I'm easily bored. Bleh.

Reason 3? I dont want to talk about work all the time, even if I love my job that much. LOVE, yeah right.

I would rather rot at home. Plus I dont want to share too much personal information with colleagues. You'll never knowwww . . .

Always and will never change

My thoughts : -

I dont mind people who drinks.

But I mind people who drinks and then go on rage.

Common sense and rationality goes haywyre.

Period.

Letting Go

Oh wow. It has been the hectic-iest month ever. So much of following up everyday and night that I am mentally exhausted and losing myself because of work. Most of the time, I look super pale and feel pukish.

At this point of time, I don't really care what the outcome might be. I just want to get through it. The process of getting to the results is tiring till the extend I wish this could just end. NOW.

The one thing I feel like doing right now is to watch the moon and stars while lying on the green green grass. Gazing at the beautiful calm sky all night with nothing bothering my head with someone next to me. He/she does the talking while I listen and smile.

Honestly,

I am tired. Really.

I almost cried today, twice.

I couldn't sleep well.

That is how bad things are.

Can you let me go from this pain?

My colleague wished I was a cunning fox-bitch who win boss heart that everyone else hates.

It hurts her see-ing me like this. She noticed how much stress I am going through and how much I've lost myself from the first day she knows me. I don't want to lose myself in front of her or anyone else and cry.

Five months. I want to stop. Will I? Should I?

Is 50cents good enough to make a decision?

Shucks

Since I've started working, I have been too tired after work to talk or to have a decent conversation with mum and dad.

Daily words : Good night , good morning, I'm home, I'm hungry, etc.

Sad dont you think?

All I want to do after work is just spend time with myself, lappy and the other fella. I guess work has been eating me up a lot since I started. I shut myself out from everything else. Although I am feeling more comfortable with what I do, I really don't know if I am gonna survive.

Heck the stupid ego that I 'like' this job and I'm ok. I AM NOT!

I should stop forcing myself. I should stop feeling scared. I should stop finding excuses.

I need to listen to what my heart wants and say it out loud.

If I survive, then I survive. If I dont, then its just an experience I was threw into and I should get up and continue walking. Its just not my thing after all? The experience has been good but I was not at my best. Bleh. Failure is part of life ? But its hard to accept and face it don't you think? No one to blame but myself.

Dad makes me feel better everytime.

Mum makes me feel all warm inside.

Status check: Life sucks at the moment.

Announcement : I might /choose to be unemployed in 1 week. A new beginning? Lets hope for the best :)

" Pemikiran yang terpendam terlalu lama yang tidak diluahkan akan menjadi racun yang bakal membahayakan kesihatan anda and orang di sekeliling "

Lets have random talks in person and laugh :)

Enough of bitching and enjoy life already :)

Whining and excuses

Its about time I need to get my head straight about this job.

I was randomly selected by them through JobStreet. I accepted the job though it was not my cup of tea. Logistic in an interesting field. Lots of new things to learn everyday but I dont seem to be absorbing them. Somehow I am shutting myself out from learning. The reason? My brain cant give me an answer. Maybe because I'm not interested? Maybe because I dont really care what happens? Maybe because I'm still at studying phase & not taking my job as serious I should be but the phase should be over it by now, it has been 5 months since my last exam. Hmmm . .

It has been 4 months - I gave an impression that I don't seem to be enthusiastic about my work through the feedback. Ugh. Also, my performance has been going up and down like a coaster ride. To the boss, my performance is like the weather. The sun shines and then rain and then the sun shines again. In conclusion, inconsistency which is something I have to work on.

So whats next?

• Find my passion really quick?
• Strive for excellence in what I do?
• To work on my pro-activeness. Ugh. Make time to be proactive no matter how busy I am :/
• Stop making excuses.
• Start caring for what I do.

Will I make it?

I hope I am not doing this job for the sake of filling up my time. *ask self*

I hope I can prove myself wrong before its too late.

People pay for your ability. Do what more than what you're supposed to.

*Note to self : A new week is starting. Full speed ahead? I better be. Bleh.

Se-ter-ress

I admit, I am stressed up . I dont show it but I know it. I deny it but I know I am . I may look I am alright but I am not. I have a poker face when it comes to covering up stress.

I wander if I am gonna be like this soon:

I need a serious relaxation theraphy. Still looking for the best way to release stress .

You know what I feel like doing ? Smoke. Anyone's up to teach me ?

I need a good sleep. Havent been sleeping well for 1 week. There was one night where I just rolled on my bed, like 360 degree. Tiring. My plan for this weekend? Just sleep and laze in my blanky for the whole weekend.

Something ironic, colleagues requested me to cheer them up when they look stressed up. I could do it but who's gonna cheer me up ? I have poker face that doesnt show . My ego is preventing me from telling I am stressed up. I should stop.

Stress stress, please go away. I want my stress-free happy-go-lucky smile minus the headache I have, geez.

Incident 2 doings by me with it

I have a confession to make.

Am Freitag nacht, while trying to park my precious car , I hit a car's bumper left side. Oops. Then after, I did not look for another parking space but decided to park my car there anyway.

To the innocent car driver, I am really sorry :(

To my precious car, thank you for being so tough despite the 'incidents' we have experienced for the past 7 years.

No Goodbye(s)

Hearing a sad sad news like that yesterday was really heartbreaking.

He was one person I love talking to and being around with. He is a good storyteller, smiles all the time and a good motivator. He watched me grow. Now with him not here anymore, I feel a slight pain. It aint going to be the same anymore without his presence.

He has been working hard all his life and has yet to relax. Sometimes life is just too short to not being able to do what you want to do for once. I didnt even meet him this year yet! @________@

He left without saying goodbye *cries*

"Uncle Tan, I am going to miss you. May you rest in peace. "

Confession : I hate this part of life where I wont be able to see/hear people I care as they slowly leave. It hurts and I choose to deny it. I believe that they are still around & always always will be.

Just one Chance

The day finally came. As much as it hurts to finally know, I have to face it. I wished it was all a dream, but when I woke up this morning, the pain was still there and I knew it was all real. *ouch*

Personal opinion: If you believe in something, we should just go on and see where the route lead us but in one condition; A time limit.

Being realistic can be hard and painful. Truth hurts. But its better than being in denial cos we will continue being in dreamland & not wake up.

I dont know whats next when the period finishes. I am not looking forward to it. If I have an answer to it now, why bother deciding on something then? Fixing an answer in your head is just not right cos you know you already have decided and eventually nothing will change, I think.

Reality check: Happiness is not/never guaranteed.

It sux but can only work out if both parties are willing to work for it. We are willing to give it a shot. Now? Lets see what will come to us next. Be it good or bad, I need to accept it with a smile and with an optimistic thought. Can I?

Will you wait? For something uncertain? A chance is all I ask for.

Yes we are :)

" I am upset but I am not rash. I do not believe that violence is the way to go. I am a mature Malaysian and I want the best for my country. Religious extremists & those who want to purposely create tension in the country are behind this. Plz refrain frm making rude or disrespectful comments towards our Muslim / Bumiputera brothers and sisters. Now, we must stand together & resist the violence."

De unoriginality in me

I am very unoriginal nowadays so I copy and paste exactly what people say that I totally agree. Woot!

" I don't mind people making fun of inability to speak Mandarin but do NOT tell me that I am a disgrace to the Chinese.

Firstly, I'm NOT a Chinese. I'm a Malaysian. (Ching: I am proud to be a Malaysian, always will be. Also please stop 'reminding' me that I am a Chinese Malaysian...bleh go awayyy)

Secondly, what do you know about me? I don't speak Mandarin suddenly I'm a disgraceful human being?

I hate people that take pride in saying they are helping or upholding the rights of Chinese blabla. Other ppl don't need help? "

With great thanks to AhLoi Jessie's contribution. I thank them so its not really wrong to copy & paste :P

- Status: Continues looking for more copy & paste -

Pinang, i rindu u

When I was on the way home from dad's colleague's daughter wedding just now, this thought came crashing. I suddenly miss the housemates, wandered how they are doing.

The house we live in, the living room we share, the table outside we use, the leopard printed mat and the ever comfy comforter lying outside on the bed.

I miss the usual faces I see everyday.

I miss the people I manja with.

I miss going grocery shopping at Tesco Extra.
I miss watching Big Bang Theory with the newly contagious BBT fans.

I miss eating healthy food.

I miss Chan2 cooking.

I miss eating peanut butter.

I miss making Ribena.

I miss all the drama about bak kut teh and kitchen.

I miss hitting the gym with Nana.

I miss the sounds my bed makes.

I miss the cold shower running past my face at fast speed.

I miss the numbered padlock.

I miss the creepy lift.

I miss walking to USM for 30min under the sun.

Oh Penang, the place with lots and lots of memories.

I miss you so.

I miss my hommies and familee.

This alone makes me consider to further my studies, taking up Masters in USM =(

Pagi Buta Thoughts XD

I wish I could express my thoughts and feelings better. The previous me (in high school) can just bleb whatever that comes into my head, till the extend that I dont filter what I say. Body language sometimes help in expressing oneself. But I seem to be stiff on it also. Hmmm . .

Although I know I can approach friends if I have something that is troubling me, I just cant bring myself to do it. Its not that I dont want to but I just cant. =(

Reason? I usually run out of words or cant find the right words. I should start reading, my vocab is worsening lately. Hmmmm . . . Or maybe I like the habit of figuring things out myself.

I dont share as much anymore. I know, I noticed.

I change, you change

There are times when you look back and you just dont know who you are anymore cos you changed so much till the extend you think you lost your identity. Reason? Because you let a person in your life. Be it friends or a person you look up to or someone special to you.

Changes can be scary and hard to accept. Especially if you didnt realise how you have changed till someone from the past (sounds old huh) or your close friends or friends pointed it to you and you go , Oh ok! Really? Then you start wandering in what way have you change.

Be the changes good or bad, you decide. If you think you like your older self better, find it back or just continue being happy with the now you. Its how comfortable you feel with yourself that is most important. =)

Nevertheless, if your friends/family are concern about your change, you might want to think about it and do something about it.

I always say your past made who you are today.

You cant change your past, but you can change your future.

Cheers!

Confesssion for Kulim

Do you have that feeling that you know its going to be the last time (can be a long long time after) you will be at that place or meeting a person and you want to take pictures pictures pictures for memories? Then you prepare your camera and be prepared to take lotsa pictures but in the end, you just want to keep that memory in your head and not letting the camera or the memory card to do the job.

Well this semester is my last semester in Penang. I have no idea when will be my next visit again. Especially to a place I call home. My second home to be exact. A place I felt warmth and comfort. The time I spend at. Kulim. Its not easy to say goodbye to Aunty and Uncle. I didnt want to say Goodbye, its like saying I wont be seeing them anymore.

The front gate, the garden, and the sofa-bed. The things I gonna miss see-ing and of course the company of both Ama and Acha! Q__Q

Since I had ample time and didnt know how to ask for a photoshot with them, I decided to stalk the guardians of the house instead. Namely Pretty, Phantom and Ringo.

Below are the pictures I personally like:

Isnt he cute? He looks like a seal. Awwww . . .

I personally like the most! Pretty is a natural poser! =)

She looks so peaceful here.

Pretty jumping on people habit.

Ooo wats that flashy squarish looking thing? Can I bite it?

Phantom is so adorableeee

I am not in the mood now, go away before I scratch you.

Or worse, bite you!

worst temper

Thursday Nite.

The day I actually lost my temper and curse in public out loud. (Public as in there were people around me. Near me. ) YAY!! My first.

So I was in the KTM that I miss for ages now, on the way back home. My stop. KL Sentral. I wanted to go off at the stop. I tried to make my way out to the door but noone was budging. "Excuse me", I said. No response. Noone was moving. Feeling annoyed, I repeated "Excuse Me" thinking maybe I wasn´t loud enough. Gasp. Again, ignorance from the people. =.=

To people who knows me, my voice is relatively loud. Really.

Since I had enough of this nonsense and not wanting to miss my stop, I forced my way out instead. Gah! Its such a struggle, with my luggage also. My temper blew immediately. I said "Fuck!". Seconds after that, I could move my way out easily. Hmmm.

I dont know. Was it a coincidence? I am still wandering if it was the cursing out loud that made my pathway to the door open up wide for me. This will remain as a myth. Unless I feel like trying it out to proof it.

Nah! Cursing in public is just inappropriate and impolite.

So not doing again,

unless its necessary. =P

two W

The truth is:

Because I am bad at expressing myself, I find sayings or poems that suits best with how I feel.

Love you dear.

THE Reason

There is a reason for everything. =P

Reasons:

Because I have been jetlagging,

and too busy catching up with my sleep, . . . sort of,

Because I have been spending quality time with friends for the past 1 week,

Also I havent been taking pictures of events, therefore you noticed my blog entries are filled with ample words, and sometimes no blog entry at all.

I noticed. I havent been keeping up with my hobby recently. Just needed a break for 1 week. And I am backkk!! Hoho. If I feel like it.

Still wandering if I should summarised what has happened since I came back and the food I have eaten. Hmmmm. . , should I?

Give me a break. Give me a Kit Kat. =P

A prior notice to readers, I will be MIA from time to time. Have some work to work on with shorter deadline. Boo!!